The Hardest Goodbye
by Kathinka
Summary: A student can't sleep and decides to walk around the castle at night and comes across Minerva McGonagall who behaves completely different than everyone would have expected her to do. Missing scene and spoilers for HBP.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything – except the idea for this story.

A/N: This story is set somewhere between Dumbledore's death and his funeral in HBP.

The idea for the story popped into my mind late one stormy night and wouldn't let me alone. So, here it is:

**The Hardest Goodbye**

I went trough the castle's corridors at a rather fast pace – fast, but aimlessly at the same time. It's hard to describe. I didn't know where to go while at the same time I knew where I should have been.

But with everything that had happened so few hours ago I just couldn't put my body let alone my mind to rest not even for a short while. It was impossible for me to comprehend what had happened.

So, I wandered around even if I wasn't exactly allowed to do so after hours, but I hoped that when or rather if I was caught whoever professor it was to be questioning me would make allowances for my illicit behaviour in light of the recent circumstances.

But I was fairly sure everyone would understand – maybe with the exception of Filch. But thank goodness he isn't a teacher because I'm quite sure I wouldn't be able to put up with him AND Snape in class. It is hard enough as it is!

Snape! How I dreaded to think about that man! How could he have done such a thing? Killing an old and helpless man!

At first I had felt rage towards Snape, but slowly and steadily that feeling had subsided and was replaced by sadness over the death of our headmaster, the great Albus Dumbledore.

I was bound to wonder what everyone else must be feeling. I had only known Dumbledore for a few years a very short time compared to some of the teachers. And I marvelled what they felt when even we students were this sad. I speculated that they were devastated which went well with what I had heard and seen concerning them.

Professors Sprout and Sinistra were only seen crying, on the verge of crying or having recently cried. Madam Pomfrey rarely left her Hospital Wing, but when she did she could be seen with a handkerchief and Madam Hooch wasn't seen at all anymore. Even the male colleagues looked solemn and sullen and some didn't even try to hide their emotions. It was obvious that everyone was cut to the quick.

_No, that is not true_, I pondered as I turned another of the seemingly countless corners.

There was one person, probably in the whole castle, who didn't let on that Albus Dumbledore's death affected her in any way.

Professor McGonagall was her usual strict and stern self even if she wasn't seen quite as often as she normally was, but she had a school to run now after all and I suppose that is quite a handful. Either way she had to be a damn strong or damn heartless woman and I doubted the latter because I knew better after what she has done to some of my housemates by not expelling them for example.

As I walked questioning the "why" and "how" another bolt of lightning flashed. The storm, which ragged outside, was the reason why I couldn't have been able to sleep even without these unusual and horrible happenings.

It had been raining all day now as if heaven knew of our situation and was crying, too, but when night fell it became a full grown thunderstorm complete with a wind howling loudly, lightning flashing in intervals so close that one could barely distinguish between the individual bolts, thunder rumbling as loud as cannonballs in the sky and rain pelting mercilessly against the windows, mixing with hail. It was one of those storms where you are frightened, astounded and enamoured all the same.

As another thunder rolled over the castle I halted abruptly in my tracks: "Why did I stop here of all places? And where am I exactly?" Questions I whispered to the empty corridor. I rummaged around my mind. _Was it possible that there had been a sound? Did someone catch me on my lat-night stroll? _But how likely was it that someone else was roaming the halls on a night like this?

But as I found it most safe to return to my dormitory up in one of the many towers I turned on my heel and as I was about to head in the direction I had come from I noticed something…

Under on of the doors there was a small flare from inside a classroom!

I asked myself who could be there at this time of day, well rather night. I looked in every direction and listened for any sound coming from another possible insomniac. As there wasn't anything else out of the ordinary I crept towards the respective door and noticed on my way that I was sneaking to my very well-known Transfiguration classroom. As I stood in front of the old door I debated whether to enter or leave.

After having seen that the door was ajar – abnormal – it was clear for me that I had to enter and see what was going on inside as it lay in my curious nature.

Slowly I reached out a slightly shaking hand and pushed the door open carefully until I was able to peer around its edge. The door gave a gentle creak that let me flinch, but as nothing else happened I relaxed even if was just for a very short moment because what I saw surprised, no, shocked me!

A solitary candle was enlightening a small part of the grand room and a dark pointed witch's hat lay discarded on the floor in the candlelight.

As another flash of lightning illuminated the sky it cast an eerie glow on a lone figure by the window whose back was turned to me and whom I hadn't really noticed before.

Silently I stepped into the room and looked around. Everything appeared so differently in the darkness, with shadows lingering in every corner. But soon I turned my attention back to the person who hadn't noticed me just yet. Clad in emerald green robes seemingly deep in thought stood Minerva McGonagall.

It surprised me greatly that she hadn't caught me yet. With her cat-like senses she normally would notice every change in atmosphere around her, well normally.

But what was normal these days after all? Nothing! There was not one thing as it was before the terrible incidents on the Astronomy Tower that fateful night!

As I hadn't been caught so far I had a little time to observe the situation and decide on what to do next.

I knew straight away that it was a rare sight unfolding before my eyes. I had never before seen the Head of Gryffindor House anything other than focused on the task at hand. So seeing her gazing out over the lake was an absolutely new view for me.

I was once again this night debating whether to stay or to leave.

First I looked over at the woman by the window who stood tall and upright and then I glanced at the door, but decided to linger a while longer anyway.

We, the student body, had always thought the headmaster and his deputy to be close and there were numerous rumours going concerning the both of them, but now there were rumours of the extreme contrary with her recent actions or rather lack thereof.

A slight movement in the corner of my eye and a distant sound caught my attention and wrenched me from my thoughts. Her shoulders were now slumped lightly and I tiptoed towards the window and my teacher.

Stopping a good metre behind her on her left side I let my gaze wonder over the grounds for a moment, too. Working up my courage to go further I made my way over to the window. I heard her sigh once again and realised that this was the sound I had heard earlier.

"Professor?" I whispered and she jumped. "Professor, are you okay?"

_What a dumb question! _I scolded myself! _Being up this late and not registering what was going on around oneself was surely normal and therefore she had to be very much okay! _Slowly she turned to me and I looked into glassy, green eyes.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, after clearing her throat, but nonetheless in a hoarse, but not at all accusing voice which took me off guard.

"I… err… well… couldn't sleep," I stuttered and looked down to the floor.

"You shouldn't be here, " she said softly.

"Yes," I whispered and waited for a reprimand that never came for my professor was gazing out again.

After having recovered a moment later I asked tentatively: "How are you, Professor?"

"Been better! Who would have thought that? The students obviously not!" she snorted and tried a dry chuckle which sounded strangely like a stifled sob instead.

"I'm sorry," I admitted quietly. For what I wasn't quite sure.

"So am I." My head shot up at this statement although I wasn't sure that I had heard her correctly.

"It's all my fault!" she said softly, but vehemently.

"Yes it is! I sent for Snape to be fetched to help us! If I just hadn't done that…" she trailed off. I looked her directly in the eyes and saw that they practically swam in unshed tears.

At this moment I felt very uncomfortable because I had never seen Professor McGonagall anything but strict and steadfast and I felt as though I was invading her personal space by hearing and seeing all of that. I also knew that she was the strongest person I had met so far because of her ability to hold her true emotions back for so long and to keep them from anyone else, which too could be a heavy burden. But I questioned her motives to tell me all of this as well. I came to the conclusion that she apparently needed someone to talk to and I happened to be there in her time of need.

"Well… yes, but… you couldn't possibly have known what he was about to do!" I tried to reason, but nevertheless I knew that I stood on shaky ground. I just couldn't let her blame herself entirely without so much as trying to convince her otherwise.

"But with his history I should have been more persistent! I could have prevented it all! Albus could still be here with me…"

At this point I saw the first tear trickle its way down her cheek. She wiped it away furiously halfway, but a second one was making its way down by now followed by a third and fourth one. Professor McGonagall blinked rapidly, but to no avail and soon I witnessed all hell break loose…

Her shoulders began to shake violently and she had to support herself on the windowsill to keep from sinking to the floor, but no sound left her quivering lips. She bit down hard on her bottom lip to try and compose herself again. Hesitantly I reached out and laid my hand on her arm, touching it gently.

"You… you don't need to be strong for once. It's… it's okay to cry in a situation like this", I reassured her. The words had only just left my mouth as she turned and flung her arms around me; now crying hard.

"Oh Albus…" she sobbed into my shoulder.

I was a little, ok, highly taken aback by her actions, but recovered rather fast and embraced her. One of my hands found its way to her back and started instinctively to rub, what I hoped where, soothing circles. Soon, the dimly lit room was filled with heart-wrenching sobs. And I felt the fabric covering my shoulder getting damp. It was as if a dam had broken and all its contents poured out.

"Shh… let it out… it's okay… let it all out…" I started to murmur into my professor's ear, but doubted she understood much.

She spoke between her sobs, but it was muffled into something unintelligible and the only coherent phrases I could make out were: "I miss you" and "I need you" time and time again.

I couldn't help it but to let some tears of my own escape the confines of my eyes on how heartbroken Professor McGonagall was. I never wanted to see her, or anybody else for that matter, so very lost again.

Some time later her knees gave way and I sank us both slowly and gently to the floor. Her demeanour and choice of words also changed. I could feel her become more desperate and was only able to hear the word "alone", but could well imagine what went through her mind with her closest confidant now gone.

I tried to convince her that she was by no means alone now, but I didn't think she believed me if she heard me at all. The only action caused was that she tightened her drip on me as if clinging on me for dear life.

"Shh… I won't leave… unless you want me to…" I promised which I hoped would calm her overworked mind even if just a little bit, but I was also optimistic that she wouldn't take me up on this offer. I was her student after all and she truly had trusted friends among the staff. She just needed to hear some comforting words, but it wasn't as though I wouldn't keep my promise either.

At least I knew now that my professor was indeed human and a very caring woman at that, no matter what rumours spread through the castle. She obviously just didn't like the thought of being seen as vulnerable and dependent.

I had no idea how long we sat there on the floor, but as her sobs slowly subsided I looked up and noticed that the storm was over and the sky was covered with stripes of red and orange. _So, it's nearly dawn. And it seems as though it will be a nice day, weather wise._

At this instant I was aware that the world wouldn't stop spinning no matter how big an obstacle was thrown in the way and that all of us could and would pull through – some in a shorter and some in a longer period of time.

Hope was not yet fully lost…

The End

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A/N 2: Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it.

Just to make one thing clear: I have absolutely no idea who the narrator in this story is. I watched the story unfold before my inner eye one day ( rather night hehe ) and only saw it from this POV. Assumptions? Guesses?

As this was my first story ever I would love you to tell me what to improve and if there was anything good about it.


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